The term “self love” is everywhere these days, almost like a cultural phenomenon. But it’s not a new idea at all – it’s been around for a long time, centuries even. Recently, it’s become so common that “self love” can feel like just a trendy phrase or a marketing trick, or even something a bit silly to some. Some people think self love is just being selfish or another word for spoiling yourself. Others believe you only deserve self love if you meet certain standards or achieve specific things.
However, neither of these extreme views is correct. Practicing self love isn’t about being selfish or only thinking of yourself. And it’s not something you have to earn or deserve based on conditions.
You are worthy of deep self-love simply because you exist. Learning how to love yourself is a journey everyone deserves to embark on.
Understanding What Self Love Truly Means
I have to admit, it took me a while to really grasp what self love meant beyond just using it as an excuse to indulge myself.
When I was younger, I thought that going on shopping sprees, eating tons of junk food, and drinking too much soda were all valid forms of self love. I reasoned that I loved shopping, junk food tasted good, and soda made me feel happy, so doing more of these things must mean I was loving myself, right? Now, I understand that those behaviors were just ways for me to avoid dealing with my real problems, and they actually did more harm than good in the long run.
So, I had to rethink and reshape my understanding of self love to see it as something more profound than simply ‘treating myself’.
Today, I see self love as actively accepting and caring for yourself. It’s about recognizing your inherent worth and treating yourself with kindness, respect, and genuine compassion. Loving yourself exactly as you are is incredibly empowering. It’s not a final destination you reach, but rather an ongoing journey that evolves throughout your life.
While treating yourself occasionally is definitely a way to show self love, it’s a much deeper and more consistent practice. It’s a continuous choice to honor and nurture your mind, body, and soul.
Ultimately, learning how to love yourself is about complete self-acceptance, taking loving actions to become your best self, and finding your unique path to happiness and inner peace with self-compassion at the core.
Why is Self Love So Important in Our Lives?
Self love is crucial because it forms the basis of a healthy relationship with yourself. Just as you need to care for your physical and mental health, you also need to nurture your self-esteem and emotional well-being.
When you genuinely love and accept yourself, you’re better equipped to handle challenges and setbacks. This is because you have confidence in your abilities and aren’t weighed down by unnecessary self-doubt or negativity.
When you recognize your own value and worth, it becomes easier to see the same in others. This naturally leads to building healthier, more fulfilling relationships with those around you.
Furthermore, the more you learn to love and accept yourself, the more naturally you extend that same compassion and kindness to others. Learning how to love yourself isn’t just for you; it positively impacts all your interactions and relationships.
Debunking Myths: What Self Love is NOT
Let’s be clear about what self love isn’t, especially as it’s often misunderstood. As highlighted in my Self Love Journal & Workbook, it’s vital to separate true self love from its misleading synonyms.
Thesaurus.com lists words like conceit, narcissism, vainglory, and vanity as synonyms for self-love. However, true self love is the opposite of these terms. It’s crucial to understand this distinction when learning how to love yourself.
Practicing self love actually guides you towards becoming more loving towards yourself and others. Conceit, vanity, narcissism, and ego are not traits of a loving person.
While self love is an introspective journey, and taking personal time is important, it’s not an excuse for negative behavior. To clarify, self love is definitely not:
- Believing you’ll never face difficulties in life.
- Being arrogant or egotistical.
- Thinking you are always correct.
- Believing you can never make mistakes.
- A justification for being unkind or mean.
- A sense of entitlement.
- Blaming others when things go wrong.
- Avoiding responsibilities.
- Being unkind to others.
- Thinking you are superior to everyone else.
- Believing you have a free pass to act badly.
True self love is about building yourself up, not putting others down. It’s about inner strength and kindness, not arrogance and entitlement.
Unpacking the Difficulty: Why is it Often Hard to Love Ourselves?
I’m not talking about the superficial “treat yourself” version of self love here; that part is usually easy. The real challenge in learning how to love yourself lies deeper.
Consider these scenarios:
- Can you love yourself when you see a double chin or body rolls you’re not happy with?
- Can you love yourself when mental health challenges make everyday tasks, like visiting a mall, feel overwhelming?
- Can you love yourself when you feel like you’re constantly failing to achieve your goals?
- Can you love yourself when others are negative or toxic towards you?
- Can you love yourself when romantic relationships are consistently unsuccessful?
If you struggle with these situations, you’re not alone. It’s part of being human. We are complex beings with real emotions and experiences.
The bigger reason why self love is often difficult is societal pressure. We live in a world that constantly tells us we must look and be a certain way to be valued and accepted. We are bombarded with messages promoting unrealistic beauty standards, fashion trends, and lifestyles, often dictated by social media ideals.
Society often has a narrow definition of success – in career, relationships, and life in general. If your path doesn’t fit this mold, you can easily feel like a failure or an outsider. It’s no surprise that so many people struggle with self-love and self-acceptance in this environment.
While there’s been progress in recent years with more diverse voices and increased mental health awareness, it’s still not enough to undo years of societal conditioning that many of us have experienced.
Another key reason we struggle with self love is simply not knowing how. We lack the knowledge of where to begin or what self love actually looks like in practice. Often, we are taught and conditioned to care for others, but not ourselves. Learning how to love yourself requires a conscious shift in focus and action.
Getting Started: How Do You Actually Learn to Love Yourself?
I’m going to share some effective strategies that have been helpful on my own self love journey. Hopefully, these tips will guide you as you learn how to love yourself too.
1. Create a List of Your Positive Qualities
This exercise helps you connect with the things you already appreciate about yourself. It’s easy to get stuck focusing on flaws and weaknesses, but when did you last really think about your positive traits, accomplishments, and skills?
Consider what makes you unique and special. Write these down, and revisit this list whenever you need a reminder of your amazing qualities. This is a powerful tool when learning how to love yourself.
As you progress on your self love journey, keep adding to this list. You’ll be surprised how much you discover to love about yourself over time.
2. Incorporate a Gratitude Practice into Your Daily Life
Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can shift your focus from negative thoughts to positive ones. Numerous studies have shown its benefits, including reducing anxiety and depression, improving sleep, and increasing overall life satisfaction.
One of the best ways to practice gratitude is to make it a daily habit. It can be as simple as spending a few minutes each day writing down 3-5 things you are grateful for. This simple act is transformative when you’re learning how to love yourself.
If a daily practice seems too much initially, start with creating a single list of things you’re thankful for right now, in this moment. When you feel down or need a positive boost, look back at this list to see how much you already have to be grateful for.
Consciously practicing gratitude cultivates appreciation for everything – big and small – in your life. This fosters a sense of acceptance and abundance, which in turn, enhances how you feel about yourself and your life, making it an essential aspect of learning how to love yourself.
3. Nourish Your Body with Care
As I get older, I’m increasingly aware of how important it is to treat your body well. The basics of nourishing your body – eating healthy foods, getting daily movement or exercise, and ensuring enough sleep – are crucial for maintaining good health, and significantly impact how we feel about ourselves.
When we prioritize our physical needs and care for our bodies with love, it becomes easier to also address our emotional and mental needs. Taking care of your body generates positive feelings about yourself simply for making the effort. This is a fundamental step in learning how to love yourself.
If you’re just starting out, don’t try to completely change your lifestyle overnight. Begin with small, manageable changes: drinking more water, aiming for 7-8 hours of sleep, moving your body daily, or stretching regularly. As these become habits, you can add more positive and healthy practices. For extra motivation, consider health and fitness challenges to make it fun and engaging.
4. Develop Self-Awareness Through Reflection
Becoming self-aware is a critical step in learning how to love yourself. Only when you become conscious of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can you begin to understand and positively change them.
Start paying attention to your inner dialogue – what are you telling yourself daily? Is it kind, encouraging, and compassionate? Or is it critical, judgmental, and negative? Recognizing this internal voice is key in learning how to love yourself.
Journal your thoughts regularly. Use journaling prompts or simply write whatever comes to mind each morning or evening. Consistent journaling will reveal patterns, helping you understand yourself better. The more aware you are of your thoughts, emotions, and triggers, the better you can manage them constructively. This self-reflection is invaluable when learning how to love yourself.
5. Practice Acceptance and Forgiveness
You cannot change the past. You can’t undo your actions or the actions of others. Others may have caused you pain, but finding the strength to forgive them, both mentally and emotionally, is liberating. The more you forgive, the more you free yourself from being trapped in past hurts. This is a powerful step in learning how to love yourself.
While you’re at it, forgive yourself too – not just for any harm you might have caused others, but also for the hurt you’ve inflicted upon yourself. In my therapy, I realized it was easier to forgive others than to forgive myself for not preventing my own hurt.
Learning to accept and forgive yourself and others is a vital part of self love. Only through acceptance and forgiveness can you truly embrace your past, accept yourself as you are, and move forward with love. This release is essential when learning how to love yourself.
6. Dare to Dream Big and Visualize Your Ideal Future
When you think about your future, what do you see? Does it excite you, or does it feel dull and uninspiring? Learning how to love yourself also means giving yourself permission to dream, to imagine a future that feels good, not just looks good on paper.
That grand vision you have for your life requires you to bring your best self forward. And bringing your best self means learning to love yourself.
When you start loving yourself, it creates a positive ripple effect. Practicing self love helps you build better habits – you eat better, sleep better, and your overall health improves. Your energy and concentration levels increase. You make better choices in your career and are more mindful of your spending. Negative self-talk and toxic influences diminish.
With all these positive changes, how can your future not be brighter than your present? Dreaming big fuels your journey of learning how to love yourself.
7. Engage with Uplifting Content and Inspiring Creators
I’m a big fan of authors like Brianna Wiest and her books (like The Mountain Is You). Her words encourage self-acceptance, self love, and letting go – messages we all need to hear more often. Keeping inspiring books nearby and reading them regularly is a great practice.
Poets like Mary Oliver are also incredibly inspiring. Her poetry fills me with awe and encourages me to appreciate the present moment and the beauty around us.
Books like The Happiness Project can also be surprisingly uplifting and positive.
You don’t have to read these specific books, but find writers or content creators whose work resonates with you. If you prefer Instagram, follow inspiring accounts that promote positivity and self-empowerment. Find voices that remind you of your worth and potential. Surrounding yourself with uplifting content is supportive when learning how to love yourself.
Learning how to love yourself isn’t a quick fix. Things won’t magically change overnight just because you decide to start this journey. It requires digging deep, unlearning old habits and biases, and doing significant inner work. There will be challenges along the way, but the rewards are immeasurable and truly worth it.
Even on my own self love journey, I’m far from perfect. I still struggle with insecurities and am continuously working on building better routines and habits. But I do find myself treating myself with more love, kindness, and acceptance every day. Slowly but surely, I’m moving forward.
If you feel stuck and are wondering how to love yourself, I hope this guide has provided you with some helpful starting points. Remember, self love is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, take your time, and enjoy the process of learning to love the incredible person you are.
