“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” – Blaise Pascal
This morning, I broke a habit I’ve held for years, possibly even a decade. I didn’t reach for my phone the instant I woke up. Inspired by the idea of a deliberate morning routine, reminiscent of figures like Tim Ferriss, I decided to dedicate my morning to myself, disconnected from the digital world. For the first five hours of my day, I engaged solely with the tangible world around me and within me.
My morning consisted of:
- Meditation
- Cleaning my living space
- An hour of reading
- Yoga practice
- Journaling
- A thirty-minute walk to my current location at a local coffee shop.
What has this brief period of solitude taught me? While it may be premature to draw definitive conclusions, I can certainly articulate the feelings it evoked. Initially, there was a distinct sense of uneasiness. The fear of confronting oneself in silence remains latent until actively tested. Disconnecting from the constant stream of external stimuli, even for a few hours, triggered a palpable feeling of isolation. It wasn’t merely the internal monologue that was unsettling, but rather this unfamiliar sensation of being detached from the world’s hum.
However, this initial discomfort gradually subsided, giving way to a different set of experiences.
And what were those?
Several key shifts emerged.
The Beginner’s Guide to Solitude
Firstly, presence. Perhaps the wisdom of figures like Eckhart Tolle and the Buddha, with their emphasis on mindfulness, holds more weight than I previously acknowledged. I’ve often been skeptical of the concept of complete presence. While I’m not about to renounce worldly possessions or abandon ambition, experiencing a deeper connection to the present moment proved remarkably enriching. This heightened presence is challenging to achieve when constantly tethered to the digital realm of social media. During my walk to the coffee shop, it felt as though the ambient volume of my surroundings increased tenfold. The sounds of birds chirping became distinct and noticeable, their very existence registering in my awareness – something I typically overlook. Even mundane tasks, like washing dishes before leaving my apartment, were imbued with a sense of quiet enjoyment.
Secondly, genuine thinking. Our aversion to solitude often prevents us from engaging in authentic thought. We mistake mental chatter for actual contemplation, allowing a loop of uncontrolled thoughts to dominate our minds. As someone who identifies as a thinker – I read extensively, write to clarify my thoughts, and engage in constant dialogue about ideas – this period of solitude allowed for a more refined articulation of my thoughts. When emotions surfaced, I could identify and process them with greater clarity. Strategic thinking about my past, present, and future, both short-term and long-term, flowed effortlessly, free from distraction.
Lastly, enhanced observance. Being truly alone necessitates confronting and processing one’s own sense of self to a point where self-consciousness diminishes. Many individuals are preoccupied with themselves, but this self-absorption operates as a low-level background process, diverting attention from the external world. After spending several hours in silent solitude at home, my walk outside was marked by a heightened awareness of my surroundings. I noticed subtle details – people’s facial expressions, their gaits, their apparent moods. I became more attuned to the city’s rhythm, the constant motion of life unfolding independently of my own presence.
It was liberating to momentarily detach from my ego. However, this isn’t solely a reflection on mindfulness; it’s fundamentally about learning to be alone.
Let me elaborate.
The Inevitable Return to Self
This morning’s experience felt like a culmination of a journey I’ve been on for several months.
I maintain a running list of article ideas in Google Drive. “How to be alone” was one such topic. At the time of its conception, I chose it precisely because I didn’t possess this skill. My intention was to learn how to be alone first, and then share that knowledge, mirroring my approach to writing in general.
Life, in its unpredictable nature, presented me with a situation where learning to be alone became unavoidable. A series of life events led me to a new city, separated from my wife and the family structure I had known for the past four years – essentially, alone.
I vividly recall a trip shortly after leaving my former home for good. I visited a friend in Washington, D.C., seeking clarity and a change of scenery. During his work hours, I was left to explore the city independently – an experience I would now relish, having learned to appreciate solitude.
However, at that time, I was consumed by crippling loneliness. It remains one of the most acutely painful periods of my life. While visiting the National Museum of African American History and Culture, I posted images of exhibits on social media, feigning enjoyment. In reality, the emotional pain was so intense it impaired my ability to even focus on the exhibit captions. Loneliness permeated my thoughts, emotions, and very being. For weeks following my separation, I understood the profound meaning of feeling like a mere shell of my former self.
The Illusory Identity We Construct
Prior to this period, I believed my life was fulfilling, even “personally developed.” However, the dissolution of my marriage and family revealed the extent to which my identity and personal growth were interwoven with external dependencies, rather than rooted in my authentic self. Instead of a solid self-image, I discovered a mosaic of codependent relationships I hadn’t recognized until they were dismantled.
While it’s not in my nature to consider such extremes, I now understand how prolonged loneliness can drive individuals to despair. It is, perhaps, one of the most debilitating states of being.
Yet, loneliness is contingent on a lack of self-sufficiency. It presupposes a need for external company, attention, validation, acceptance, and affection to feel complete.
Is it wrong to desire these things? Not at all. I desire them, as do most people. However, making these external factors essential pillars of one’s existence sets the stage for profound disappointment. This was certainly true in my case.
Therefore, the aim isn’t to permanently exist in isolation, but to learn how to be alone. My goal isn’t to eliminate social connection or romantic relationships from my life indefinitely. However, experiencing a period without them proved to be an invaluable catalyst for growth. Often, the most profound lessons are born from the most painful experiences.
In the months that followed, I rebuilt my life, emerging in an even stronger position – akin to the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold, rendering it more beautiful and resilient than before. “Better” doesn’t imply that being single and living in a new city is superior to having a family. I cherished family life. However, I now possess the capacity to build a family again with a more grounded sense of self – one that is intrinsically independent. Being alone compelled me to examine my life with clarity, cultivate self-honesty, and forge an identity that is authentically my own.
Here’s what I did, and what I subsequently learned.
Rising from the Ashes
The first day in my new apartment was marked by intense weeping. I am not someone who cries easily.
While I wish I could say it was cathartic, it was simply an outpouring of sadness. To counteract the pervasive sadness and apathy, I attempted to harness anger. I adopted a drill sergeant persona, verbally commanding myself.
“This is your apartment now! Deal with it.”
I walked to what would be my daughter’s room. “This is your daughter’s new room. This is where you will raise her!” I tried to maintain the sergeant’s tone, but my voice faltered with sadness, and my lip trembled as I spoke.
That moment ranked as the second most heart-wrenching, surpassed only by the moment of leaving my previous home when my three-year-old daughter asked, “Where are you going?” Her tone conveyed a poignant understanding of my departure.
The initial days and weeks were characterized by a general malaise. I resorted to publishing archived articles, unable to muster the creative energy for original writing. I continued to write, but it felt mechanical, lacking genuine inspiration.
This malaise persisted until I reached a point of acceptance.
The first step in learning to be alone is embracing the present reality without resistance. We often expend considerable energy wishing our lives were different from their current state. While visualization can be a constructive tool, using it as a form of escapism only exacerbates the problem.
The subsequent lessons are crucial, but some of the initial actions I took included:
- Health: I lost 20 pounds. The comfort of “family life” had led to complacency. I realized I needed to prioritize physical activity, even without external motivation. Initially, the motivation was superficial – boosting confidence for dating. However, it evolved into a genuine practice of self-care and well-being.
- Connections: I gradually began reconnecting with people. I reached out to existing contacts in the city and rekindled those relationships. I joined local clubs. I also started engaging in casual conversations, meeting new people organically.
- Purpose: Once I regained a sense of normalcy, I channeled my energy into my writing with renewed vigor. The solitude became a fertile ground for creativity, fueling my craft.
My initial instinct was to rush to fill the void of loneliness. Instead, I consciously chose to invest in myself. While I wouldn’t claim to be “cured” of all vulnerabilities, I am now focused on cultivating wholeness, independent of the number of people in my life – both physically and digitally.
I gleaned several valuable lessons.
The Trap of Codependency
Excessive codependency erodes boundaries.
Establishing healthy boundaries is beneficial for both oneself and interpersonal relationships. People generally don’t intentionally seek to exploit others, but in the absence of clear boundaries, such dynamics can develop. This applies across genders and relationship types. The partner lacking boundaries undermines both themselves and the relationship. A relationship characterized by two individuals without boundaries inevitably descends into a chaotic entanglement of pain.
I had allowed a deteriorating relationship to crumble further because of my fear of being alone. Driven by this fear, I failed to establish boundaries, which only worsened the situation.
The absence of boundaries, coupled with the fear of solitude, fosters neediness. And neediness often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more intensely something is needed, the more elusive it becomes.
The solution isn’t to become emotionally detached and isolate oneself. It’s about engaging with others with healthy boundaries, self-respect, and clear expectations.
People remain in unhealthy relationships – romantic, platonic, familial, and professional – out of a perceived obligation to the relationship itself. Healthy relationships operate with defined boundaries that, if crossed, may lead to the relationship’s end. This isn’t about being cold or unfeeling; it’s about self-respect. Creating a dynamic where one is unwilling to leave, regardless of the other person’s actions, transforms one into a doormat, destined to be walked upon.
Establishing boundaries is ultimately beneficial for all parties involved. Subconsciously, people desire boundaries. They want assurance they don’t have complete dominion over another’s identity.
Now, I don’t operate with a rigid checklist of rules, but I am no longer willing to let sunk costs – time investments – dictate my willingness to remain in a relationship that is detrimental.
When boundaries are crossed, I address them immediately. Many people fail to provide sufficient warnings. It’s acceptable to communicate that certain behaviors are unacceptable and will result in withdrawal if they persist. Early and consistent boundary setting fosters healthier relationships for everyone involved.
Do You Truly Know Yourself?
Often, we are strangers to ourselves. We lack clarity regarding our preferences, desires, identity, and life direction because we haven’t learned to be alone and establish an independent life foundation.
Self-knowledge cannot emerge until it is disentangled from the desires of others. This doesn’t preclude considering others’ perspectives, but it means not relying on others to dictate our thoughts and choices.
Had I cultivated an independent identity before entering a relationship and building a family, I would have established healthier boundaries, realistic expectations, and genuine connections. Instead, I anchored a significant part of my ego in the concept of being “a family man”… rather than a man who has a family. Did you catch the subtle but crucial distinction?
Reflect on how many of your beliefs, tastes, aspirations, goals, and dreams are predominantly shaped by external influences, with minimal connection to your authentic desires.
Learning to be alone allows you to become the center of your own universe. Others can choose to orbit around you, but their choice doesn’t diminish your own intrinsic value or completeness. Again, this isn’t about cultivating egoism or unrealistic expectations. Rather, discovering your authentic self allows you to discern genuine compatibility and connection. Others will sense this authenticity as well. And if they don’t, you will be empowered to communicate your boundaries clearly.
I used this period to… embrace the cliché… “find myself.” Through solitude, introspection, and new experiences, I developed a refined set of values, core beliefs, and non-negotiables for my life moving forward. I feel capable of experiencing genuine love now because “real love is detached.” Because I am comfortable and content in my own company. Because I can not only tolerate solitude but thrive in it. I can now engage in authentic relationships, free from the insidious strings of codependency.
Living in alignment with your principles is the key to attracting what you truly desire into your life, including authentic and fulfilling relationships.
The Law of Attraction: People Edition
I’ve cultivated deeper connections with others, both online and offline. My interactions are now characterized by greater sincerity.
Because I desire human connection but no longer need it (at least not to the same extent), I feel more capable of seeing and accepting people for who they truly are.
When we are driven by neediness for connection, we distort our perception of others. We idealize them, place them on pedestals, and overlook flaws and red flags – both in ourselves and in others. This is a crucial point. Perhaps they aren’t the right people for our lives, but also, perhaps we are not yet whole enough on our own. Acknowledging this and working on self-sufficiency is a vital step.
When we operate from a core of self-acceptance and contentment, people not only perceive it, but they also treat us with greater respect. People don’t want to be idealized. When we place them on a pedestal, we compel them to occupy a position that is incongruent with their own self-perception, leading to resentment and often, unconscious or conscious forms of pushback.
Learn To Be Alone. Learn to understand that you are inherently worthy and enough, just as you are. Dedicate time to solitude.
This entire journey of self-discovery ultimately leads back to the self. Everything does.
We often chase external validation, failing to recognize that we already possess everything we need within ourselves.
Our default state is inherent joy and contentment, similar to a child engrossed in the present moment, oblivious to the world beyond their immediate perception. It’s no coincidence that children are magnetic. They will find joy in the simplest things, regardless of external approval or validation.
Perhaps try adopting this perspective, even for a moment. Observe what unfolds.
