Contemplative figure sitting peacefully, embodying self-reflection and personal growth
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
For many years, I’ve navigated the world of self-employment, a path intentionally chosen for the autonomy it provides. The allure of structuring my day precisely as I envision and making independent decisions has always been strong. I thrive in environments where I can operate without the need for constant justification to a superior. Perhaps it’s fair to say I possess a slight inclination towards being a control enthusiast.
Reflecting on my past experiences within corporate structures, I recall navigating complex relationships with managers. My critical perspective on organizational methodologies often clashed with their directives, leading to defensiveness when my performance was evaluated. While I gleaned valuable insights from several exceptional managers, a significant portion of my time was spent internally resisting being “told what to do.” These experiences, however challenging, were early Lessons Learned about my own personality and preferences.
Recently, I embarked on a new chapter, training to become a Buddhist minister. This path necessitates working with a supervisor who guides my spiritual development and ultimately assesses my readiness for ordination. This supervisory relationship immediately brought past patterns to the forefront.
Just last month, an email from my supervisor containing a simple question triggered an immediate sense of being attacked and defensive. Annoyance surged. I sought solace in a friend, venting my frustrations in a lengthy, convoluted reply detailing why the question was, in my perception, unwarranted. The ensuing email exchange only deepened the misunderstanding and escalated the tension.
Having consciously chosen self-employment to avoid hierarchical friction, this situation was perplexing. I believed I had circumvented the challenges of authority dynamics. Yet, as Pema Chodron wisely states, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” This recurring scenario underscored a crucial lesson learned: external changes don’t automatically resolve internal patterns.
The conflict with my supervisor wasn’t an isolated incident but a manifestation of unresolved control issues that had been sidestepped, not solved, by my career choice. It was only a matter of time before these deeply ingrained patterns resurfaced, perhaps in interactions with colleagues, or subtly within friendships. Life has a way of presenting us with repeated opportunities to learn vital lessons.
After the unproductive email exchanges, my supervisor initiated a phone call, providing space for a direct conversation. Despite the shift in medium, my defensiveness and anger remained palpable. The conversation unfolded, and her patience and encouragement prompted me to consider a more open stance.
Eventually, I vocalized my long-held difficulty in navigating relationships with authority figures. This admission marked a pivotal shift. Verbalizing the issue allowed for a more objective examination of the dynamics at play. Bringing this underlying challenge into the light was a powerful lesson in self-awareness and vulnerability.
By the conclusion of the call, a profound sense of relief washed over me. I had confronted the perceived authority figure, and the relationship had not only endured but strengthened. Her perspective became clearer, and I could acknowledge the validity of her initial question. This interaction became a significant lesson learned in communication and conflict resolution.
While I haven’t undergone a complete personality transformation into the quintessential employee, I recognize tangible progress in my approach to authority. I can now appreciate the discomfort of the situation as a catalyst for growth. This experience, initially fraught with tension, has yielded valuable lessons learned about myself and interpersonal dynamics, for which I am now grateful.
If you find yourself ensnared in cyclical difficult situations, encountering similar challenges with different individuals, the following suggestions, derived from these lessons learned, might offer guidance:
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s a common human experience to find ourselves repeating patterns, despite our conscious intentions to break free. Self-reproach in these moments is counterproductive, compounding the existing discomfort. Instead, cultivate kindness towards yourself; recognize that these are opportunities for growth, not failures. Learning lessons often requires repeated encounters.
Embrace Radical Honesty
Once you’ve extended compassion to yourself, honest self-reflection becomes crucial. It’s natural to initially attribute conflict to external factors or the actions of others. However, genuine progress begins when you acknowledge your contribution to the situation. Taking responsibility for your part, however small, unlocks the potential for meaningful change and vital lessons learned about your own behavior.
Cultivate Curiosity
Explore the recurring pattern with genuine curiosity. Does this dynamic resonate with past experiences? Where else in your life does this pattern manifest? What triggers the cycle? How does it escalate? Documenting your observations or discussing them with a trusted friend can illuminate the underlying mechanisms and highlight the specific lessons you are meant to learn.
Develop Self-Awareness
Strive to recognize the pattern as it begins to unfold in real-time. When you sense yourself being drawn into a familiar dynamic, acknowledge, “This is happening again.” This conscious awareness creates a space for intervention and allows you to make different choices. Self-awareness is a key component in applying lessons learned.
Experiment with New Responses
This is the space for conscious behavioral change. Experiment with alternative reactions to the familiar triggers. This might involve pausing before reacting, choosing silence over impulsive responses, or expressing your needs and boundaries more assertively. It could also mean confronting avoided emotions like sadness or anger in a healthy way. Taking a step back to consider your desired outcome, rather than reacting instinctively, is a powerful tool for breaking old patterns and integrating lessons learned.
Cultivate Gratitude for the Learning
If you can extract a valuable lesson from the challenging situation, personal transformation becomes possible. You’re also likely to experience a similar sense of liberation to what I felt after openly communicating with my supervisor. Pause and acknowledge gratitude for the experience, however uncomfortable it was, and for the invaluable lessons learned. Recognizing the growth embedded within difficulty reframes the experience and reinforces the learning.
None of us relish confronting our flaws or acknowledging our vulnerabilities. This inherent resistance is why life’s lessons often reappear until we fully integrate them. The repetition isn’t punishment, but persistent guidance.
Rumi’s wisdom echoes this truth: “Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure.” Looking back, the most profound lessons I’ve learned have emerged from experiences tinged with pain—whether disappointment, anger, or fear. While unwelcome at the time, these challenging moments have been instrumental in shaping who I am today. These painful experiences were, in retrospect, powerful teachers offering crucial lessons learned.
Without these trials, I wouldn’t have evolved into the person I am now—slightly less of a control enthusiast, more grounded in humility, hopefully more compassionate, and undeniably more appreciative of life’s intricate journey and the continuous lessons it offers. The process of learning lessons, though often uncomfortable, is essential for growth and a more fulfilling life.
