How Children Learn to Express Emotions from Adults: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents

It’s a common scenario: Gabriel, a bright and funny five-year-old, still throws tantrums that leave his parents exhausted. His aggressive reactions to consequences and intense emotional outbursts highlight a challenge many parents face. Like Gabriel, many children, especially highly sensitive ones, navigate a world of overwhelming emotions. Understanding how children learn how to express emotions from adults is key to guiding them towards healthy emotional development.

Gabriel’s sensitivity extends beyond tantrums. He’s easily offended, dislikes attention, and is a perfectionist, showcasing the complex inner world of a highly sensitive child (HS child). His statement, “I push people away, like Elsa,” reveals a poignant self-awareness and struggle with his intense feelings. This mirrors the experiences of many HS children who are deeply affected by their emotions and the world around them.

The core issue often isn’t just about tantrums or defiance, but temperament. Temperament, the innate way a child approaches the world, dictates how they process experiences. It’s not a choice, but a fundamental aspect of their being, influencing reactions to everything from new situations to discipline. This explains why siblings, raised in the same environment, can react so differently.

Highly sensitive children process feelings and experiences more profoundly. They often exist at emotional extremes – ecstatic or enraged, with little middle ground. They are like “orchids,” highly reactive to subtle environmental changes, unlike “dandelions” who thrive even in harsh conditions. HS children are “processors,” constantly analyzing and absorbing information, lacking an internal filter. They possess an exceptional ability to sense others’ emotions, often intervening in tense situations with surprising perceptiveness.

My own experience with my HS son, Sam, vividly illustrates this. His profound empathy and deep processing of the Lion King movie, contrasted with his friends’ casual reaction, highlighted how intensely HS children absorb and internalize emotional content. This deep processing extends to self-awareness, often exceeding that of adults. Examples like Charlie, Bella, and Reuben demonstrate an astonishing level of self-reflection and understanding of their own emotional states even at a young age.

Because of their heightened sensitivity, HS children are easily triggered and overwhelmed by emotions, leading to meltdowns and coping mechanisms to manage an often overwhelming world. These coping mechanisms can manifest as various challenges that, while not exclusive to HS children, are more frequent and intense for them. Understanding these challenges and, crucially, how children learn how to express emotions from adults, is vital for parents.

HS Children: Overwhelmed by Emotions and the Adult Response

Natalia’s daughter, Olivia (4), reacts intensely to the news of her father’s weekend trip, physically pushing her mother and demanding her father leave immediately.

Olivia’s seemingly irrational behavior is a coping mechanism. Her rejection of Luis is an attempt to control a situation where she feels powerless. It’s a defense mechanism, not intentional malice. Similarly, Olivia’s coldness upon Luis’s return is a common HS child reaction, needing time to readjust and reconnect after separation.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Interpret Behavior Beyond Face Value: Don’t take hurtful words literally. Children express distress in the ways they know how. Reacting with anger reinforces their confusion, as they don’t truly mean their words or actions in the same way an adult might. An emotional overreaction from an adult only amplifies the child’s distress.

• Model Calmness and Emotional Regulation: Remain calm. Easier said than done, but adult reactivity escalates a child’s distress. Young children are emotion-driven and inherently irrational. Lashing out is a sign of overwhelm and poor coping. Reacting reinforces the behavior. Calmness provides a stable anchor for an unraveling child. Natalia’s bear hug, combined with whispered validation, demonstrates this.

• Validate and Acknowledge Underlying Feelings: Focus on the emotion driving the behavior. Luis’s statement, “I know it’s hard when daddy goes away. I totally understand. I miss you, too,” acknowledges Olivia’s feelings. Helping HS children understand their emotions reduces the need to act them out. Luis giving Olivia space upon return and engaging in playful reconnection demonstrates how adults can facilitate healthy emotional expression by respecting the child’s needs and pace. This teaches Olivia that emotions are valid and can be expressed and managed constructively, learning directly from her adult’s response.

A young girl, Olivia, is visibly upset and pushing her mother away while her father looks on, illustrating the intense emotional reaction of a highly sensitive child to separation and the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Fear and Caution: How Adult Encouragement Shapes a Child’s Emotional Landscape

Stephanie’s five-year-old, Jonah, refuses to participate in his first swim class, clinging to his mother despite encouragement from teachers and peers.

New situations trigger deep thinking in HS children: safety, expectations, acceptance. This leads to insightfulness but also anxiety. They cling to comfort zones, resisting novelty, struggling with separation, and avoiding activities despite potential enjoyment.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Avoid Pressure and Forced Change: Resist the urge to change a child’s feelings, especially if you are naturally more extroverted. Tactics like rewards or cheerleading discount the child’s emotions and can backfire. Minimizing feelings doesn’t eliminate them; it just suppresses their healthy expression and can breed shame. It also communicates discomfort with the child’s feelings, making them uncomfortable with their own emotional experiences. This hinders emotional learning.

• Validate and Accept Emotions: Show understanding and acceptance without judgment. “I know you are hesitant to join the swim class. And at the same time, you love swimming. Let’s think about how to help you feel comfortable in the group.” This approach validates the child’s experience and opens the door for problem-solving together, fostering a collaborative approach to emotional challenges.

• Practice and Preparation: Preview new environments. Visiting the pool before class, playing soccer in the backyard, or multiple school visits allow for familiarization and reduce anxiety. Preparation builds a sense of control and competence, key elements in managing fear and anxiety.

• Engage the Child in Problem-Solving: Ask what would make them more comfortable. Ruth and Ethan’s approach with Owen and the Daniel Tiger show demonstrates this. Asking Owen what would help him feel better and addressing his specific concern (“how the show would start”) transformed his anxiety into enjoyment. This empowers the child and teaches them proactive emotional management.

• “Worry Brain” vs. “Thinking Brain” Concept: Explain different brain parts. The “worry brain” anticipates danger, while the “thinking brain” assesses reality. Stephanie used this with Jonah. Addressing his specific worries (sinking, teacher’s anger) and engaging his “thinking brain” through “research” (observing the class) reduced his anxiety and facilitated participation. This approach externalizes anxiety, making it less personal and more manageable, and provides a framework for emotional literacy.

• Recall Past Successes: Remind them of times they overcame anxiety. Stephanie reminding Jonah of his initial swim class fear and subsequent enjoyment reinforces his capacity to manage fear. Sharing personal stories of overcoming anxiety further normalizes the experience and provides relatable role modeling.

A young boy, Jonah, being comforted by his mother at the edge of a swimming pool, expressing hesitation and fear towards entering the water for his first swim class.

Inflexibility: Teaching Adaptability Through Adult Guidance

Flexibility is crucial for navigating life’s unpredictable events and fostering healthy relationships. However, learning flexibility is harder for some, especially “orchids” who are more sensitive and less adaptable than “dandelions.” HS children often react intensely to minor stressors, exhibiting inflexibility in daily routines.

Examples include Henry’s tantrum over a different childcare pickup, Chelsea’s bath refusal due to water temperature, Alexa’s cereal bowl outburst, and Luca’s “line leader” insistence.

Inflexibility is heightened in children with low sensory thresholds, who are easily overwhelmed by sensory input. The world can feel constantly overwhelming, leading to a stronger need for control.

HS children, processing deeply, exist in a state of “high-alert,” anticipating and protecting themselves from overwhelming emotions. Fixed routines and expectations are coping mechanisms to manage daily life. Demands about seating, music volume, bowl color, clothing, or food arrangement, while seemingly irrational, are control attempts to manage an inner sense of chaos. The more internal chaos, the more external control they seek.

How Adults Can Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Validate Emotions: Acknowledge feelings. Feelings are never the problem; it’s the behavior stemming from them. Validating emotions equips children to manage them effectively. “You are upset because you thought Grandma was going to pick you up. I totally get that—you don’t like it when something different happens from what you expected.” This acknowledges the child’s emotional experience without condoning the inflexible behavior.

• Set Limits Calmly and Lovingly: Maintain boundaries without escalating. “But Grandma went to the doctor and the appointment took longer than expected. So, I am here to get you.” Calmly proceed, avoiding prolonged arguments, which reinforce inflexibility. Ignore protests but don’t ignore the child. Even amidst tantrums, engage positively – tell a story, play music – to show availability for positive interaction while maintaining the limit.

• Teach Perspective-Taking: Help them see others’ viewpoints. Setting limits teaches consideration for others’ needs. “Teddy, I know you want me to read this book right now, but Joey is uncomfortable and needs a diaper change. I’ll read to you when he’s all set.” Ignore protests, address the other’s need, and then re-engage, reinforcing patience and consideration. Similarly, with sharing, use timers and choices to teach fairness and compromise.

• Model Flexibility: Demonstrate adaptability. Highlight your own flexible responses to daily changes. “I can’t find my favorite hat. I guess I’ll have to be flexible and wear this one instead.” Verbalizing your flexible thinking process provides a concrete example for the child to follow.

• Positive Feedback for Flexibility: Acknowledge and praise flexible behavior. “You gave Henry the tunnel he wanted for his train and took the bridge instead. You did a great job being flexible!” Focus on the positive behavior and its benefits.

• Highlight Benefits of Flexibility: Share examples of positive outcomes from flexibility. Paloma’s soccer story and Matteo’s blanket routine illustrate how initial inflexibility can be overcome, leading to positive experiences and increased resilience. These stories provide concrete evidence of the benefits of adaptability.

Frustration Intolerance: Building Resilience through Adult Support

Four-year-old Seema abandons her new scooter at the first sign of balancing difficulty, declaring she hates it and never wanted it.

HS children experience heightened distress and give up easily when facing challenges. This stems from vulnerability and a perceived loss of control. They need extra support to build resilience and a sense of competence.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Embrace Discomfort, Avoid Problem-Solving: Resist rescuing or “fixing” struggles. Learning new skills inherently involves discomfort. Struggling is part of learning. “Positive” stress, experienced during challenges, leads to growth. The bicycle example highlights this: constant support prevents the child from experiencing the necessary teetering that leads to balance and pride.

• Partner in Problem-Solving: Position yourself as a supportive coach, not a fixer. Convey confidence in their ability to overcome challenges. Offer to help think through solutions, but emphasize that problem-solving is their job. Seema’s parents acknowledge her frustration but offer support when she’s ready to try again, avoiding pressure.

• Creative Problem-Solving Together: Ask for their solution ideas first. Then, offer suggestions, asking permission before sharing. This respects their autonomy and makes them more receptive. The preschool snack helper example illustrates the power of asking “Do you want to hear my ideas?” versus unsolicited advice.

• Provide Gradual Support: Offer scaffolding to master challenges, avoiding over-assistance. When Seema returns to the scooter, her father, Kishan, provides incremental support, gradually reducing assistance as she gains confidence. This allows for mastery and builds self-efficacy.

• Address the Root Problem, Not Just the Symptom: Malcolm’s milk-pouring frustration was solved by addressing the carton size, not by taking over. Roger acknowledged Malcolm’s frustration and cheerily framed it as a solvable problem, using a sport bottle to facilitate success. This teaches problem-solving and resourcefulness.

A young girl, Seema, is angrily throwing her new scooter on the ground in frustration after struggling to balance, demonstrating a low tolerance for frustration and a quick inclination to give up when faced with challenges.

Perfectionism: Fostering Self-Acceptance through Adult Understanding

Six-year-old Gabriel’s meltdown over an imperfectly drawn “O” and five-year-old Serena’s extreme self-criticism after mistakes exemplify perfectionism in HS children.

Perfectionism in HS children stems from discomfort with perceived loss of control. Meltdowns arise when reality doesn’t match their internal “perfect” image. Logic and reassurance often backfire, increasing agitation.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Avoid Cheerleading and Rushing to Fix: Resist reflexive reassurances like “That’s a great ‘O’!” or “Nobody’s perfect.” These responses invalidate the child’s intense feelings and are ineffective in a highly emotional state. HS children are sensitive to perceived attempts at manipulation and become more defensive.

• Acknowledge Feelings First: Mirror their emotions to soothe their nervous system and facilitate calm. “You don’t like the way the letter you wrote looks. You have a different idea about how it should appear. It feels really uncomfortable and distressing to you when you can’t do something exactly the way you expect or want it to be. I understand.” This validation is crucial for self-awareness and eventual perspective shift.

• “Reality Testing” When Calm: Once calm, ask permission to share alternative perspectives. This respect for their boundaries increases receptivity. Share relatable experiences, like your own handwriting journey, emphasizing that learning involves mistakes and practice. Highlight the process of learning and improvement over time.

• Guide Outcome Thinking (Debrief): Non-judgmentally review choices and consequences. Ask what happens if they give up versus try again. Focus on understanding outcomes, not on cajoling or shaming.

• Empower Choice: Ask how they want to proceed: “Would you like to keep practicing or do you want to take a break? It’s up to you.” This restores a sense of control and increases the likelihood of perseverance. Forcing the issue leads to defensiveness.

Intolerance for Losing: Teaching Healthy Competition through Adult Modeling

Leo’s extreme reactions to losing games and soccer blocks highlight intolerance for losing, common in HS children.

Perfectionism and low loss tolerance intertwine, making competition stressful. HS children may “cheat,” get angry, or quit to avoid losing, protecting themselves from discomfort and shame. Lucy’s reaction in Connect Four exemplifies this control-seeking behavior.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Validate Losing Feelings: Acknowledge the difficulty of losing. “Losing feels really hard. It makes you very upset and angry and you want to stop playing.” Validation is the essential first step for opening them to rethinking their reactions.

• “Reality Test” Losing: Explain losing is a normal part of life. Help them learn to cope so they can enjoy activities without needing to win.

• Tell the Story Matter-of-Factly: Recount the event without judgment. “You kicked the ball. Ellie blocked it from going into the goal. That was frustrating and upsetting to you. You wanted to make a goal so badly. Your feelings were so big and overwhelming that you decided not to play anymore.” Objectivity facilitates self-reflection.

• Guide Outcome Thinking: Ask questions to prompt reflection on consequences. “After you quit the game, what happened? How did you feel? What do you think the other kids were thinking? Is there a different way you would have liked it to end? How could you make that happen?” This helps them connect actions and outcomes without shame. Lucy’s decision to continue playing after understanding the natural consequence of her control attempts demonstrates this learning.

• Address Teasing Behavior: HS children may tease others who fail, projecting their own vulnerability. Respond by prompting empathy and reflection, not punishment. “Malcolm missed the goal. How do you think that made him feel?” This encourages perspective-taking and behavioral change.

Self-Consciousness: Building Confidence through Adult Respect

Four-year-old Talia’s aversion to being talked about, even positively, and Gabriel’s performance anxiety illustrate self-consciousness in HS children.

HS children are preoccupied with others’ perceptions, even with praise. They feel scrutinized and pressured, making praise uncomfortable. Praise can create performance anxiety, worrying about future failures.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Avoid Praise: Shift focus from adult approval to child’s effort and impact. Instead of “We’re so proud of you!”, say, “You stayed focused on the ball and used your strong muscles to kick it into the goal.” Focus on their actions and internal experience, not external validation.

• Respect Boundaries: Honor their wishes. Gabriel’s parents respecting his need to face away from the audience during a performance allowed him to participate and feel good about it. Respecting their comfort levels builds trust and reduces anxiety.

Easily Slighted: Fostering Secure Peer Interactions Through Adult Mediation

Four-year-old Leo’s distress when Nadia plays with other children exemplifies feeling easily slighted.

HS children take things personally and misinterpret actions, viewing interactions through a victim lens. This challenges peer and sibling relationships.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Validate Feelings, Avoid Dismissal: Don’t dismiss their feelings with reassurances like “Oh no, Nadia loves you!” This invalidates their experience and hinders emotional learning.

• “Reality Test” Perceptions: Once validated, offer alternative perspectives. “I know you prefer to just stick with one friend, and you want that to be Nadia. But some kids want to have more than one friend. Everyone is different. While I know you feel rejected when Nadia is playing with other kids, that is not what it means to Nadia. I see her still wanting to play with you. What do you think about that idea?” This encourages considering other interpretations.

• Problem-Solve Socially: Help them find alternative solutions. “Would you like to find another friend to play with or do something on your own? Let me know how I can help.” Empower them to navigate social situations independently.

Uncomfortable with Correction: Guiding Behavior with Sensitivity

Martin’s explosive reaction to a gentle correction about placing a cup on a glass table and evasive behaviors like laughing or covering ears when corrected highlight discomfort with correction.

Evasive behaviors during correction don’t indicate lack of empathy, but rather feeling personally indicted by corrections, triggering shame. Laughing, running, or covering ears are coping mechanisms to avoid overwhelming emotions. Facing adult anger or disappointment intensifies their stress.

What Adults Can Do to Help Children Learn Healthy Emotional Expression:

• Ignore Evasive Behaviors: Don’t react to laughing, tongue-sticking, or ear-covering, as attention reinforces them. Avoid forcing eye contact. Securely and lovingly hold them, stating, “I know, you don’t like it when mommy/daddy needs to help you think about your behavior.” Focus on the underlying emotion, not the surface behavior.

• Discuss When Calm: Wait until the child is calm to discuss the incident. Logic is ineffective when emotionally overwhelmed.

• Retell the Story Objectively: Recount the event without judgment or shame. “Mommy asked you to be gentle when you put your cup down on the glass table because it is fragile and can break. I meant this to be helpful — just like when your teachers give you a direction at school — but you got very upset.” Encourage reflection on their interpretation of the interaction.

• “Sorry” is Secondary to Understanding: Focus on understanding impact over forced apologies. Talk about how actions affect others, emphasizing empathy and responsibility. Offer choices for making amends – saying sorry, helping fix, comforting gesture, note/picture. Choices reduce defiance and promote genuine understanding.

Sensory Sensitivity: Addressing Over-Reactivity through Understanding

Samantha’s intense reactions to car seats, bathwater, impulsivity, and meltdowns over minor disruptions illustrate sensory sensitivity.

HS children are often also sensory sensitive, experiencing sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and textures intensely. This can amplify emotional reactions and inflexibility. Sensory overload can trigger discomfort and overwhelm, increasing reactivity. Birthday parties, public bathrooms, or strong smells can be particularly challenging.

Children with well-regulated sensory systems adapt more easily. Sensory processing challenges lead to increased controlling behaviors as a coping mechanism to minimize discomfort in an overwhelming world.

Recommendations:

• Consult an occupational therapist for sensory processing assessments and strategies.
• Read resources on sensory processing to understand its impact on behavior. (Link to: https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/having-trouble-understanding-your-childs-challenging-behaviors-his-sensory-processing-system-may-provide-important-clues)

Final Thoughts on HS Children:

While challenging, HS children possess significant strengths: humor, imagination, creativity, empathy, and insight. My son Sam’s intuitive sensing of my sadness exemplifies their deep empathy. Sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness. With understanding and support, HS children can thrive. Children learn how to express emotions from adults who model healthy emotional regulation, validation, and coping strategies. By focusing on these approaches, parents can empower their HS children to navigate their intense emotional world and flourish.

A mother is embracing her young child in a comforting hug, demonstrating parental support and love for a child who appears overwhelmed and in need of reassurance and emotional regulation.

Reference:

[1] Boyce, W Thomas. The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive. New York: Knopf, 2019.