Have you ever encountered the term “DTR” in relationships? It stands for “Define The Relationship,” and as I discovered, this concept is equally vital in the context of discipleship. My realization came through a challenging personal experience in mentoring a young man.
For a significant period, this young man was deeply involved in my life and ministry. He was a constant presence at church, in my home, and even traveled with me. We immersed ourselves in scripture study, discussed business principles, navigated family matters, and offered guidance on relationships and finances. After four years of consistent mentorship, doctrinal differences arose between us. It seemed best to part ways, especially as he had an opportunity to join a “Biblical community” – a group where young couples lived together, aiming to embody the church.
About a year later, I received a call from this young man, and it began with the accusatory statement, “You never discipled me.” His tone revealed his deep upset, and I was profoundly hurt. My initial thought was one of disbelief and pain: ‘I poured my time and effort into you, following what I believed the Lord directed, and this is the gratitude I receive?’ Years later, reflecting on this experience, I encountered a startling statistic: only one in four Christians has ever been discipled (according to The State of Discipleship, A Barna Group Report). This statistic underscored a crucial point: as disciple-makers, we must proactively Define Learned within the discipleship relationship with those we guide. Clarity of expectations and understanding of what “learned” truly means within the discipleship journey is paramount.
The Indispensable Lesson Learned
From that pivotal moment onward, I committed myself to regularly define learned in my approach to discipleship. This involves clearly articulating my methods, grounding them in Scripture, and consistently revisiting and reinforcing these definitions. Defining what is to be “learned” and how that learning process will unfold became an essential, recurring element in my discipleship practice.
Troy A. Evans has ministered for 24 years and, most recently, as pastor of The Edge Urban Church in Grand Rapids, Mich.
