It’s a common virtue to extend compassion to those we cherish. Recently, a chance encounter at the grocery store with a friend highlighted this. She shared the distressing news of her mother’s hospitalization, preventing her planned visit from Spain. A wave of sadness washed over me, knowing her anticipation for those three weeks with her 82-year-old mother. A hug and words acknowledging her potential heartbreak followed, especially given her mother’s declining health and fears this might be their last meeting.
However, directing that same wellspring of loving-kindness inward, towards myself, proves to be a steeper climb. Just a week later, summer Friday traffic caused me to miss a portion of my uncle’s funeral service. Behind the wheel, a surge of pressure and anxiety mounted, berating myself for not departing earlier.
“Showering the same loving kindness on myself doesn’t come so easily.”
This struggle with self-compassion is far from unique. As a therapist, I observe in my practice that many clients grapple with internal resistance when attempting to offer themselves the same care they readily extend to others.
The inability to access self-compassion breeds silent suffering, characterized by self-judgment and isolation, potentially spiraling into anxiety or depression. Intriguingly, a recent study revealed that individuals exhibiting greater self-compassion than compassion for others demonstrated improved physical health. Considering these profound benefits, why does self-compassion remain so elusive?
The Roots of Self-Compassion: Childhood Learning
I recall working with a client who embodied kindness. Her innate warmth and perpetually cheerful demeanor masked an inner struggle with self-love. Becoming a mother and returning to her demanding full-time career triggered irritability and impatience with those around her. When I gently suggested she might be directing self-criticism inward and reacting to its sting, she was taken aback but conceded. The pressure of juggling the roles of “perfect mom,” pet parent, executive, and wife had become overwhelming.
“I called her attention to the possibility she was being hard on herself and then reacting to the self-criticism.”
Delving deeper, we uncovered that self-compassion was absent in her upbringing. She lacked the blueprint for self-kindness during moments of stress. Childhood disappointments, like feeling rejected by friends at school, were met by her mother with dismissals of her feelings and attempts to soothe her with treats like ice cream. This coping strategy was no longer serving her well.
Conversely, some individuals were fortunate to witness their caregivers model compassion during challenging times, paving the way for self-compassion in adulthood. These parents, embodying a “no use crying over spilt milk” approach, are more likely to foster self-compassion in their children than their “if you were watching what you were doing you wouldn’t have spilt the milk” counterparts. When parents demonstrate resilience, showing that mistakes are inherent to the human experience and that striving your best is sufficient, children often internalize this compassionate perspective.
“If a parent models what it looks like to be doing the best you can and that making mistakes is part of being human, a child usually learns to do the same.”
However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that societal norms play a significant role. Our culture leans towards self-criticism as a perceived coping mechanism against threats. The internal monologue might whisper, “Berating yourself for spreadsheet errors might prevent job loss!” Despite research contradicting this notion, societal messaging often champions outward kindness (“do unto others”) while casting self-compassion as a path to laziness.
Cultivating Self-Compassion Later in Life
Julie Madlin, a psychotherapist specializing in mindful self-compassion, emphasizes the universality of challenging times. “Many individuals I work with believe they are alone in their struggles. Being a friend to ourselves provides solace when external support from partners and family isn’t always available.”
“If we can be a friend to ourselves, we are a little less alone because we can’t always rely on partners and family to do that for us.”
– Julie Madlin, LMHC, SEP
If extending kindness to yourself during difficult periods feels like a foreign concept, remember that learning self-compassion parallels learning a new language. It’s achievable, albeit potentially challenging and initially unnatural. Embrace the initial awkwardness.
Madlin elucidates, “A younger part of you, unaccustomed to such kindness, might understandably resist and distrust it initially. This is a normal part of the process. With consistent practice, self-compassion will become more ingrained.”
Much of my therapeutic work involves guiding clients to recognize their inherent worth, separate from their behaviors. They are lovable in their entirety, a truth that coexists with the desire for behavioral change. Once this understanding deepens, self-compassion naturally emerges.
Self-love is an integral lesson in our life’s journey. Embracing self-love elevates our self-perception, attracting relationships characterized by reciprocal love and acceptance, replacing criticism and abandonment.
Practical Strategies to Enhance Self-Compassion
Uncertain about your self-compassion levels? A valuable quiz offers insights. If self-compassion feels underdeveloped, the following tips and strategies serve as a roadmap. Remember, transformative change isn’t instantaneous. Small, consistent steps towards self-grace yield significant progress.
1. Engage in a Brief Self-Compassion Meditation (5 Minutes).
Self-compassion expert Julie Madlin suggests initiating practice with the 5-minute “General Compassion Break” meditation. This meditation addresses the core tenets of mindful self-compassion. Integrate this practice daily or whenever self-connection is needed.
General Compassion Break Meditation
2. Identify Personal Barriers to Self-Kindness.
Quiet your mind and visualize the phrase “Self-compassion.” What thoughts arise? Is it the burden of another task on an already overflowing schedule? Or the fear of complacency? In her seminal work, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion and Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas, debunks five common myths surrounding self-compassion:
- Self-compassion equates to self-pity.
- Self-compassion is a sign of weakness.
- Self-compassion fosters complacency.
- Self-compassion is narcissistic.
- Self-compassion is selfish.
Confronting and dismantling these myths, perhaps through reading Dr. Neff’s book, can unlock greater openness to self-compassionate practices.
3. Curate Three Acts of Self-Kindness for Moments of Suffering.
Personalize these sentiments as examples, creating your own self-compassion toolkit to deploy during self-critical moments.
- Reassure yourself: “I am doing my best, and that is enough.”
- Offer gentle physical comfort: Place a hand on your heart or shoulder, conveying: “This is difficult. You are doing your best, and that is enough.”
- Remember shared humanity: “Suffering is universal. I am not alone, and I will navigate through this.”
4. Adopt a Friend’s Perspective During Challenges.
Reflect on a recent challenging situation. Mentally replay the event, observing your reactions. Now, envision your closest friend in the same predicament. What words of support and validation would you offer? Extend that same compassion to yourself, acknowledging the difficulty and your resilience in navigating it.
5. Practice Compassionate Self-Forgiveness Daily.
Compassionate self-forgiveness involves releasing self-judgment, reconnecting with your authentic self and inherent loving nature. Integrate this practice into your daily routine, even if it initially feels forced.
Complete the sentence: “I forgive myself for judging myself as ____ because the truth is _____.”
Example: “I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy for skipping my workout today, because the truth is I prioritized connecting with a friend who needed support, and choosing rest doesn’t equate to laziness.”
6. Mindfully Check-In and Address Your Needs.
In moments of struggle, pause, close your eyes, and ask: “What do I need right now – in this moment, this hour, this evening?” Listen to your inner voice. The answer might be “a nourishing meal” or “a comforting conversation with a friend.” As you consistently honor these needs, your inner voice will become clearer and more readily accessible, facilitating self-nurturance. ✨
Responding to ourselves with kindness and support during adversity catalyzes positive life shifts.
Cultivating self-compassion fosters increased happiness, deeper connections, and greater resilience. Investing time in learning self-compassion is a worthwhile endeavor, potentially transforming your daily experience for the better.
Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT is a Manhattan-based licensed integrative holistic psychotherapist. She specializes in relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief and spiritual growth. You can find her on Instagram or learn more on her website.
