“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou
This profound quote, widely attributed to the iconic poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou, encapsulates a fundamental truth about human interaction. While its exact origins are debated, with some tracing similar sentiments to earlier sources, the power and resonance of the message are undeniable, especially when connected to Angelou’s influential voice. Regardless of its precise lineage, the wisdom it imparts remains a cornerstone of effective communication and meaningful relationships.
The essence of Angelou’s statement lies in highlighting the enduring impact of emotions in our interactions. It suggests that in the tapestry of human memory, the specific details of our words and deeds often fade, but the emotional imprint we leave on others persists. Were they left feeling valued or dismissed? Inspired or deflated? These emotional takeaways are what truly resonate and shape lasting perceptions.
Consider a scenario: you might not recall the precise words spoken in a meeting last week, or the specific tasks completed by a colleague on a particular day. However, you are likely to remember whether you felt respected and heard during that meeting, or if your colleague’s contributions made you feel supported and valued. This is because our brains are wired to prioritize and remember emotional experiences, as they are deeply linked to our sense of well-being and social connection. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for navigating both personal and professional relationships effectively. By focusing on the emotional impact of our interactions, we can cultivate stronger bonds and create more positive and lasting impressions.
The Enduring Power of First Impressions
First impressions serve as a potent illustration of how feelings take precedence. These initial encounters often set the tone for subsequent interactions, and the emotional residue they leave behind can be remarkably persistent. A positive first impression can act as a springboard for building rapport and trust, while a negative one can create an uphill battle, requiring significant effort to overcome.
Creating Positive Lasting Impressions: There are numerous ways to intentionally foster positive feelings in those we meet, thereby crafting memorable and favorable first impressions. Simple yet impactful actions include demonstrating genuine preparedness for a meeting or conversation, showing active interest by asking thoughtful questions about the other person and their perspectives, making the effort to remember and use names, offering sincere compliments, engaging in generous and open dialogue, and consciously avoiding negativity or cynicism. These behaviors collectively communicate respect, interest, and positive regard, leading to positive emotional associations. For further insights into effective communication and building rapport, resources like “Never Split the Difference” by former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss offer valuable, nuanced strategies.
Navigating Lingering Negative Impressions: Conversely, unintentional missteps in initial encounters can easily create negative feelings. Forgetting names repeatedly, interrupting conversations, or appearing distracted by technology can all convey a lack of engagement or respect. While these may seem like minor offenses, they can contribute to unfavorable first impressions. However, beyond these more obvious pitfalls, subtler conversational habits can also negatively impact how others feel.
Consider, for example, the conversational one-upper who consistently trumps others’ experiences, the individual who dominates discussions turning them into monologues, the “helpful” know-it-all, or someone who uses overly complex language. These less overt behaviors can undermine the sense of generosity, equity, and enjoyment that we seek in social exchanges. These subtle violations of conversational norms can leave a lingering negative taste, as they detract from the positive emotional experience of connection and mutual respect. Negative first impressions, rooted in these unfavorable feelings, can be surprisingly difficult to reverse, potentially hindering future social, professional, or business opportunities by creating an initial barrier to connection and positive regard.
Cultivating Lasting Positive Impressions: Positive first impressions are characterized by feelings of upliftment, congeniality, and genuine enjoyment. When we make a positive first impression, we become more memorable, approachable, and welcome in social and professional circles. These positive feelings pave the way for stronger relationships and future opportunities. However, the principle of prioritizing feelings extends far beyond just first encounters.
The Halo Effect: Feelings Shaping Perceptions
The “Halo Effect” further illustrates how our overall feelings about someone can significantly influence our judgments of their abilities and character. This psychological phenomenon explains why, for instance, individuals perceived as attractive often receive more opportunities, or why colleagues working on successful projects might be evaluated as more skilled, regardless of their individual contributions.
“The Halo Effect is the name given to the phenomenon whereby evaluators tend to be influenced by their previous judgments of performance or personality.” – Ann Bethel
The Halo Effect, rooted in the anchoring bias identified by Nobel laureates Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky, reveals our tendency to anchor our judgments on initial pieces of information, even if those anchors are irrelevant. Subsequent evaluations then tend to be adjusted incrementally from this initial anchor. In the context of interpersonal perception, the Halo Effect means that a general positive or negative feeling about someone can “color” our assessment of their specific skills and attributes.
This bias explains why an attractive salesperson might have their ideas more readily accepted, or why a team member associated with a successful project might be perceived as more competent. Decision-makers, including ourselves, often struggle to separate an individual’s specific contributions from the overall context and our pre-existing feelings about them. The Halo Effect highlights how these overall feelings, whether positive or negative, can significantly shape subsequent judgments and perceptions.
The Halo Effect also underscores why the emotional impact of our interactions, “how you made them feel,” can have such a lasting influence. These initial emotional impressions create a “halo” that shapes future judgments and influences decision-making in subtle but powerful ways. While the concept of the Halo Effect may seem somewhat abstract, it reflects the reality that human decision-making is often influenced by feelings and mental shortcuts, rather than purely rational analysis. We operate with limited cognitive resources and often rely on emotions and heuristics to navigate the complexities of social interactions and evaluations.
Harnessing the Halo Effect: The Power of Positive Feelings
In the realm of relationships, consciously cultivating a positive “halo” can be profoundly advantageous. By consistently making people feel valued, respected, and positive, we create a favorable predisposition in their minds. This positive halo becomes a gift that keeps on giving, increasing our “luck surface area” by making us more approachable, likeable, and supported. We are less likely to be unfairly criticized or overlooked, and our successes are more likely to be recognized and amplified. By prioritizing “how you make them feel,” we actively increase the odds of fostering positive outcomes and encountering opportunities.
Conversely, being burdened by a negative halo, stemming from past negative emotional interactions, can create significant obstacles. It can hinder others from truly hearing our ideas, limit opportunities, and act as a barrier to progress. A negative halo casts a shadow, making it more difficult to gain support and recognition.
In Conclusion
Whether or not Maya Angelou was the original author of this insightful quote, its truth resonates deeply. “How you made them feel” provides a valuable framework for understanding the nuances of human interaction and its long-term impact. It highlights the critical importance of emotional intelligence in building strong relationships and achieving success in various aspects of life.
Ultimately, in our interactions with others, we reap what we sow. By prioritizing kindness, empathy, and respect, and by consciously striving to make people feel positive and valued, we not only enrich their experiences but also pave the way for our own positive outcomes. The question then becomes: how will you choose to make someone feel today?
Author’s Reflection
To better navigate the complexities of communication, I find it helpful to consider the “Two-Yous” concept, inspired by Ray Dalio’s “Principles.” This model acknowledges the interplay between our rational and emotional selves in every interaction. Think of it as the interplay of intellect versus emotion, logic versus intuition, or the rational “Spock” versus the emotional “Kirk” within us. Recognizing these dual dimensions helps us understand that communication often operates on multiple levels.
“The empathic position is not, ‘I know how you feel’, but rather, ‘I don’t know how you feel.’”
– Sherry Turkle
True empathy begins with acknowledging that we cannot fully know another’s experience. As Honore Balzac (paraphrased) suggested, to truly understand, we must strive for a sense of equality and shared humanity.
“More than what you said or did, people remember how you made them feel.”
- Author’s preferred version of the quote
Ultimately, focusing on the emotional impact of our words and actions is paramount.
Maya Angelou’s timeless wisdom on the lasting impact of feelings in human interactions.
